oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
