WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
