if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
