Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize