I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
