hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
