i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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