By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
bring money and cleavage
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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