Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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