I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How does one acquire holy water?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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