We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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