even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
