the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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