Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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