will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
