I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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