So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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