i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
BRING THE BAGELS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
