Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
