and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
