i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
