She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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