Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
