we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
