Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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