No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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