You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
