we have pet lesbian snakes
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so let's talk penis.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize