can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
