Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
