Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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