Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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