the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
