I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize