So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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