I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
