Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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