I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
