Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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