If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
