oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
