she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
