Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
