dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
