Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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