I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
