Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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