K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
