oh god the rape fog is back!
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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