I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
