every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
