When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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