Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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