You can't special order awesome
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
