I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
