I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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