Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
