Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
