I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
