I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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