my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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