EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize