Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
